Letting Go of Expectations and Embracing Love as It Is
“While these loved ones may not meet our expectations, it is our expectations not our loved ones, that have let us down.
Courage to Change, January 2nd
Love is expressed in many ways, and those affecte by alcoholism may not be able to express it the way we would like. But we can try to recognize love whenever and however it is offered. When it is not, we don’t have to feel deprived…”
For a long time, I’ve wrestled with the tension between what I hope for in my relationships and what I actually experience. When I read the passage from Courage to Change about expectations, it hit me hard: “While these loved ones may not meet our expectations, it is our expectations, not our loved ones, that have let us down.” That simple truth challenged me to take a closer look at how I’ve been approaching love and connection with the people in my life.
Reassessing My Expectations
When I stop and really think about it, a lot of my frustration in relationships comes from my own expectations. I’ve realized that I’ve often expected people to express love in specific ways—ways that feel meaningful to me. When they don’t, it’s easy to feel let down. But the truth is, it’s not fair to hold others accountable to a script they don’t even know exists. Recognizing this has helped me question whether my expectations are realistic or whether they’re setting me up for disappointment.
Recognizing Love in Different Forms
I’ve also started paying attention to how love shows up in my life, even when it’s not in the form I expected. Sometimes, love looks like a friend showing up when I need help, even if they don’t say the words I want to hear. Other times, it’s the quiet acts of care—a text message, a meal prepared, a favor done without being asked. When I look for these moments, I realize love is often there. I just wasn’t seeing it because I was too focused on what I thought it should look like.
Letting Go of External Validation
I’m learning to let go of the idea that my sense of worth depends on how others show up for me. If someone doesn’t express love in a way I can easily recognize, that doesn’t mean I’m unlovable. It just means they have their own way of showing love—or maybe they’re struggling to show it at all. Either way, I’ve found peace in reminding myself that I don’t need to rely on anyone else to feel whole.
Practicing Acceptance
This part is still a work in progress for me. Acceptance doesn’t come naturally when I’m disappointed or hurt. But when I remind myself that people can only give what they’re able to give, I find it easier to let go of resentment. Acceptance isn’t about lowering my standards or ignoring harmful behavior. It’s about seeing reality for what it is and choosing to move forward with an open heart.
Shifting Focus to Gratitude
I’ve started looking for small things to appreciate in my relationships. Maybe someone doesn’t say, “I love you” as often as I’d like, but they show it in other ways—ways that are just as meaningful when I take the time to notice them. Focusing on what I do have instead of what’s missing has helped me feel less deprived and more grounded.
Prioritizing Self-Care and Boundaries
There are still moments when love isn’t offered or when the dynamic feels unhealthy. In those moments, I’ve learned the importance of taking care of myself. Setting boundaries isn’t always easy, but it’s essential. I’ve found that I need to set boundaries when a relationship consistently leaves me feeling drained or disrespected. Taking a step back and asking how a situation affects my well-being helps me decide when and where to draw the line. It’s a way of showing love and respect for myself, especially when someone else can’t.
I’m far from perfect in all of this. There are still days when I struggle to let go of my expectations or when I feel hurt because love doesn’t look the way I wish it did. But I’m learning to see love in all its forms and to accept that it won’t always match my ideal. And when it doesn’t, I remind myself that I can still choose peace—for myself and for the people I care about.